Redefine Beauty

It's so sad..... Because the world isn't as beautiful as you think it was....

My eldest brother told me last night, "I wish you didn't have to accept the fact that such world exist." I said, "It's the same world that I live in and I have already accepted the fact that its shitty."

I'm right now 22, growing so old... And have seen the ugliest in people, and also the ugliest in me. Real joy is temporary, but pain is eternal. Nothing good lasts, and everything bad remains forever. What you call as 'true love', whether between man and woman, or parents and children, or any kind of love, you would discover true 'hate'. Sometimes I think if animals would be a better companion for human, not sexually, just..... A companion. I'd pick a cat.

I've ran.... and ran.... and ran.... and still running, perhaps forever, from something I cannot have and cannot let go, something that I love and fear so much. Something I wish I never had, but couldn't live without. I hate this.

Reliving THAT moment again

Yesterday was the end of us. Thanks for creating beautiful memories with me, but also very ugly ones. 

You told me so many things about us that you cannot let go, and so many dreams that you wanted to fulfill with me, but in the same time, you were fulfilling other dreams with other girls.

Why must I be your girlfriend and that I have to accept all your concubines... I rather be your concubine. Lol. Because I would lose more when I'm in a serious relationship with you than being your fling.

I thought if I were able to forgive you for 3 times after what you've done again and again, you'd be moved, and hopefully change for the better. But even after 50 times, you were still the same, not even any  better.

When things ended for real last night, your last words to me was 'take care'. It kinda felt like you were saying 'Okay I'm glad we had what we had, it was a great one no doubt. But since there are no other routes to travel anymore, I wish you well in your own path as I seek out for a new path as well, bye! *runs away excitedly'........

And to me, it felt like every sweat and tears I've dripped for us were just ashes that were easily blown away by the wind, and within seconds, they just disappear completely in the air. If you could count ashes (which you can't possibly count), they are the ruins of a work after being put into the flames. That is what it feels like. The fire went out, ashes remains, wind blows, whooshh...! Gone for good, just like that.

And here I am, patting my own chest gently, whenever a memory triggers and when I'm about to burst into tears, I tell myself, 'It's okay Huey Wern, everything will be fine.' I know I will be, but in this season, the weather will be stormy, and I know I gotta buckle up. It will be cold, there will not be peace. Thunders will strike, stay put in my little hut.

I guess I never learn

Though things have ended between us, as I try to  move on each day, it gets harder.

I don't usually express my sad emotions, only my blog, because it's dead. From the day I took courage to go through another long distance relationship, I could do it because my past fears didn't hold me back anymore, I could see us till forever. And that was how much it meant to me.

But you threw everything we had accomplished to the drains, you treated everything like trash, though they were worth diamonds to me. You forgot all your promises and you rather trade ME and everything we had, over a bitch.

Thanks to you, I learned things the hard way. Thanks to you, I have forgotten what it meant to be courageous and bold. Thanks to you, everywhere I go, everything I see as beautiful has become dull. Thanks to you, I regretted.

End the War

I almost forgot how it feels like to be truly happy, and to be so content about everything I have and don't have in my life. What about now?

Guess I'm just too bitter from all the hurts and disappointments that I unleash my anger inside of me towards the people that I love. I feel like a beast, or a monster, whenever my angry button is triggered. I felt that I have so much self defense mechanism that I can break things, and even kill. Have you seen a woman Hulk?

Maybe less intimidating, but sexier.

Ooh yeah! Break those walls!

That feeling is uncontrollable. Well i'm not trying to give an excuse for reacting the way I did, but it's just too damn hard to think things out in a more calm, rational way. I would rather just flip the table and break things because that would satisfy part of what I feel inside, but it always has to end with regrets.

I feel like a prisoner to my very own mind and feelings. How ironic it is for a person that studies about the mind and behavior to feel this way. The other prisoners would be the people that still chose to love me and be with me although they have seen the ugly side of me.

It hurts both ways. Let's just end the war.

Day 1 of Separation

He flew off to UK last night. I told myself from the very beginning that I will never-ever send him off to the airport and watch him leave. It was like a death oath to me (that's how serious I meant it). In the end, I drove myself to the airport, in the middle of the night, alone, to meet him once more. I was afraid that I might regret for the rest of my life if I didn't do this. I know it meant a lot to him, as much it was to me too :)

We had our tears and last good-bye hugs & kisses. We had our promises held on to each other too, that comes with a great hope. We knew that this does not mean 'The End', but the start of challenging what we have grew to become. Have we been falling in love with just our happiness and take everything else for granted? I guess not. We knew what we really wanted, we knew why. Our arguments don't last over night, he always makes an effort to make things right again, because he knew our relationship is better than just filthy arguments. I honestly think I have a greater ego than he does, and I'm a woman, he's a man. We could just switch roles you know, haha. Besides, he has a pretty face :P

He carried me in my drunken state on the first day we met, and he shall carry me like this again on our wedding day :) I honestly felt so much REAL pain when I woke up today. Haven't been feeling this way for a while already. No other pain can be compared to being separated from the one I love. It's just day 1 and it felt like a month already, oh gawd. 

Mr. Lee Hong Zhen

Let me introduce you to him, my beloved one.




Hahah. He loves taking cute pictures of himself. He loves LOVES taking pictures! So when I go out with him, he'd always ask me to give him a post, a smile, with teeth, w/o teeth, do this, stand there, do that.... My personal, professional photographer.





I love it when he loves taking pictures of me, and us, at the most random moments or places, whether ugly or funny, because we know they all mean something to us in a very personal way.





He was just here yesterday and today he's already gone.


If he was here, I know he'd be making my day. Even when he's away, he still tries to make my day.





How can I not love him? I can't.


I can only look at these pictures to remember everything about him and us. And how I wish I could do something about us, but I can't.


The End.

Secrets.

If you guys are wondering, yes, I'll say it here. I'm currently 'dating' a guy right now.

I didn't reveal much about us because I still didn't know where we were going, or where we can go. But today I decided to blog about us because I woke up feeling a little upset.

So this is that special guy. I'll refer his as HZ here. We met in one of the craziest way ever, something which I will remember for life? And one thing we are both passionate about is DANCE. There's so many things about him that makes me so mesmerised.


But.... There's always a but.


To cut things short, I woke up today deciding in my heart whether to go on with this. Cz honestly, since the day I met him, I never thought we could go far, and I still feel that no matter how hard we may try, things will not work out. We may feel the thrill and the excitement and joy for now, but I know it'll be just for temporary. The longer we delay, the more hurt we'll be when it comes towards the end.


So I shall say to myself: Huey Wern, you are not ready for a new relationship. There's just no room in my heart for another man. There's only a big hole that needs to be fixed. A broken heart can never learn to love.

It's dangerous to disclose, so it's safer to be alone now. There's no one to judge. Guess that love always has to pay a huge price.